There is this problem and it's that
You just may be the only person
Who will ever be it for me.
You have broken me
Humiliated me
Left me
And yet
I find my heart
Continually retuning
To thoughts of you and I
And not wanting to say goodbye

There is brokenness

In the void of your smile

Soft words laying hostage

In my mind

The memories of a place

That I lived for so long

There is always an aching

Subdued by false acceptance

A place where

Your hand finds mine

And there is a calm that wraps around me

I will believe again

When you show me why I should

If I close my eyes long enough

Push away the hurt

And wait for it

You come back to me

In waves

The gentle pull of your tide

Could sweep me away for good

But I stay on the shore

For if I venture in the water

The power would surely crush me

Beneath the turbulence

A waning ghost of myself

Losing color to the air that is lost there

I cannot breath you in

Because you are like water

And I could so easily drown

To see the colors beneath the surface

I miss the innocence in the way
That you used to look at me
The truth in your intentions
The words that fell from your mouth
And into my heart

I hold now to the gaps between
A steady question without answer
And I wonder how long will the silence
Be left perpetually running through my mind
Breaking into the quiet of my still moments
Leaving me broken and unable to truly move on

I find that I cannot remember,
if I was living for me
or if I was living for us.
If what we had was real,
or if I believed what I wanted to.

I find that I can recount the words
you said that took away question
But am faced with inaction
that leaves me uncertain

If I believe that there is never
black and white but shades of grey
Then why do I keep trying to turn up the contrast
Trying to get a clear picture of just what lies before me

Remember what it felt like
To wake up beside one another
To feel the heat from your body
Against me
The comfort of knowing
We had all the time in the world
I missed you already
When you were still right beside me

I built my house of cards
On the sands of a beautiful beach
And was surprised when the winds
Blew everything down
The pieces swept away by the tides
The ocean’s spray all that remained
A salty reminder running down my face

I still awaken each morning
With thoughts of you
A steady longing for the past
A hollowness seizing me
And the emptiness is a place I can't touch
Because how can you reach for something
When it keeps walking away from you

What do I do
When all my thoughts come back to you
When all the dreams I have
Still include your smile
When I don't know if you can give me
What I want
But don't know how to be with anyone else
How to want to wake next to someone else
How anyone else could ever feel like home
To stop wanting for your smell to return to my pillow
To stop crying on the outside
And dying in the inside
When all my tomorrow's had you in them and now all of my today's are spent alone
Your ghost haunts me
But you're not dead
Our story still sits within me
Taunting me with the pain of this chapter
Beckoning for a new ending

I keep running
But I'm not going anywhere
I keep dreaming
But I can't fall asleep
I keep hoping
But I never really know.....

If time cold break a million hearts
Mine would shatter
Time and time again
At the mention of your name

A silent conversation
Inside my head
Inside my heart
Words I never said
And questions you'll never ask

There will always be moments
The promises we made
The dreams we shared
And there will always be
What could have been

We will be saying goodbye
Until the end of time
Because there will always
Be a part of me
That lives for our next hello

Lost in this place -
I can break plans
I can break hearts
I can break you
But if I force myself
To look at the truth
I really just break apart
Inside myself

A faltering fool
Burned beyond recognition
Scorched by the flame
Of years spent locked up
Inside my own mind
Inside your own world
An idea of happiness...
just not my own.

So.... Is it such a bad idea to think that I could stop my procrastinating, step up, and start already instead of always saying, "I will" and never following through? Since when did it require an endless supply of time to simply take a moment and connect with the emotions and thoughts inside of you and say something about it. Call it being fed up or call it starving for something more.... maybe today is the day that I can say I started a change in my life that I had hoped would have happened long ago.